Carried in the heart …

November 26, 2010

A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I was really struck when I read the above today. Holidays are so melancholy and sometimes it’s very difficult to get through them. I know it’s that way for tens of thousands of people, and misery loves company, but that doesn’t really make things better. Problems are unique to situation and individuals. Especially to one as seemingly self-centered as I am.

There are two parts of the holidays that depress me these days. Stress can be upped by holiday shopping and finances, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about good old fashioned funk.

The first has to do with family – my aging parents, mainly — and the very basic precept that nothing remains the same. This past year has been difficult for both of them, and to a far lesser degree, me, because of them. I see their decline, and see my future related to that decline, and neither is pleasant.

And yet there is another piece, larger in many ways, a piece that has to do with kayleigh, and our future. This is the future I hold onto. There is no doubt of what I want for our future, and I think she and I have the same destination in mind. But there are so many variables, so many side roads in getting from point A to B that it gets so very difficult to navigate. The twists and turns of the road, the heavy fog that covers the valleys and peaks, and the delays and detours along the way are sometimes almost overpowering.

I am a melancholy person. I know this. It’s carried in my heart almost all the time to some degree. That’s a sad enough statement right there, I guess.

Holidays just tend to throw more debris on the road and focus on the lack of arrival.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

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