I wish you well ….

June 23, 2010

This blog started out as a way to hide and yet not hide from the world.    SimpleSpace has become less than it was meant to be through neglect, lack of things to say, and the necessity even after all this time to keep parts of my life hidden and closed off, separated from one another.  Some early entries were taken private some time ago.

It also started out, I think, as a secret love song to kayleigh.  That love remains and grows every day, in spite of Fates seeming to conspire against us sometimes, taking advantage of our own self-inflicted wounds.  We will win that little game, you fuckers.

These days I feel like I’m a fish swimming upstream and struggling against rushing water.  I take a leap or two upward periodically at the cascading falls and tumble backwards, sputter at the unfairness of it all, and try again.

I have so little time anymore.  I seem to be constantly on call to friends and family and work.   I worry about those friends and family a great deal, but have grown disinterested and disenchanted with work.  I’m not talking about writing here, but what, for now, pays the bills.

I never seem to slow down and am always moving, stop to next stop, grinding gears as I do.

The man remains the same but the face changes along the way.

I’ve read a couple of books this year, but it’s been a struggle to focus on more than a few pages at a time.   I haven’t gotten into or lost myself in a book for a very long time.  Reading has gone from enjoyment and escape to project, with me pounding away at pages until I get to the last, and then breathing a sigh of relief that I’ve finished.  And then wondering if I gotten anything out of it at all.

Even when I am sitting still for a few minutes, my brain is racing, and I can’t keep still long.  My leg twitches, and I have to get up and move.  I can barely sit still long enough to watch a half hour television show, let alone a full length movie.

I’ve forgotten how to be still, actually.  I need to learn to sit again, and be quiet.  I am going to try to do that for a while.

I’ve not written in several months in spite of having several near-complete stories needing probably only one last run through.  Nothing has been published since December.  Not writing and publishing annoys me and I absolutely must change that too.

kayleigh and I will be heading to Context and the World Fantasy Convention in the fall.  We’re looking forward to it very much.

Directions change but the destination remains.  She is my destination.

The Annex will continue for now.  I love looking at beautiful women, and finding good quotes and the occasional oddity.  I post owls and secret notes for kayleigh.  I post the women and pictures of bridges and walls for me.  There’s a psychological statement in there somewhere, I’m sure.

As I used to say in a former life, “I wish you well.”

SimpleSpace is now on hiatus.   [Not so, apparently! 7/7/10]


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