Dear Muse, pt. 2 …

March 24, 2010

Dear Muse —

I thought I would follow-up on my last note to you.  I’ve still not heard from you and I’m pretty worried.  I’m more than worried.  I’m sad, really.  I’ve been this way on and off for a while now and being sad started me worrying a long time ago, and only made the sadness worse.  Have you totally left me alone with myself?  I am not myself without you, and wonder who I am now.

I’m still not reading either, although I’m still reading a chapter a night of the 365: Your Date with History I mentioned in my last note.  But otherwise I’ve not read an entire book in over six months.  Six months! With shelves of unread books I can’t seem to find anything to focus my attention on.  That is just wrong!

I’m blaming you for this.  When I read something I’m wondering why I didn’t write it.   Yes, I’m blaming you.   Not only am I feeling sad, but I’m also angry — very angry, and too much of the time.   Your absence is entirely uncalled for and it’s pissing me off!  Where the hell are you?!  You’d think you’d at least let me know where you are, and when you might be coming back, if ever!  If you’re not coming back, let me know.  At least then I can get on with my life.

…… I have weird thoughts sometimes.  Scary thoughts even to me, which is saying something I guess.    I don’t want you to feel bad but …. no, no, I do.  I do want you to feel bad and to worry about me.  I spend a lot of my time worrying about you and it’s only right that you worry about me in return.

You know, I’m not sure I would recognize you now even if we saw one another.  I’ve changed and, I suspect, so have you.  So fuck you, Muse.  Who needs you.  I will carry on without you.   You left me adrift in a lifeboat with no sail, no wind, and no oars.  I have no sense of direction and feel like I’m just spinning in circles when and if I’m moving at all.

Fuck you again and again and again!!!

…I guess I don’t need the things I thought I needed.

But what else is there?

Come back soon.  Just ….. because.

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