Self-analysis …

January 3, 2010

I was speaking to kayleigh the other day about some of the drama currently going around a different part of my life. Concerning one special piece of it, and admittedly tearing up at the thought of failure, I told her that I “just wanted to do something right for once.”

“You do things right a lot,” kayleigh said. “You underestimate yourself.”

She’s said that before, and I have to wonder how right she is. I spend so much time trying that maybe I don’t see what I do.

I feel so stretched sometimes, and this too is something she’s mentioned several times before. She admits that it concerns her a great deal.

Sometimes I’m afraid too. Only kayleigh comes close to knowing how stretched I am. I can let a brief thought to the forefront and suddenly tear up, as if I’m holding so much in.

What happens as I get older, weaker both physically and mentally? When the wall cracks now, I repair it quickly, but I also wonder if I am already slowing in my reaction. When the walls weaken in the future and possibly collapse, what will come rushing out, and what will it destroy in its path?

We also had an interesting conversation New Year’s Eve. I made mention of how we both spent too much time analyzing ourselves.

kayleigh admitted that she does spend time analyzing herself, but thinks that I spent more time analyzing myself and my actions than she does analyzing herself. She thinks she analyzes external events far more.

She’s probably right. Her ability to analyze external events probably allows her to see things in me that I cannot, just like I see things in myself — and her — that she cannot. And she admits that analyzing events keeps her from analyzing herself.

As for me, I know myself better than I know anyone else, and yet, sometimes I am amazed at what I don’t know.

What makes me tick?

I wonder on occasion what an analyst or psychiatrist might say about me, but more than likely I would not allow that person close enough to find out, and keep that person at a fair distance.


One Response to “Self-analysis …”

  1. respicere Says:

    The only time I can see myself honestly is in the reflection of others. Others of my tribe…

    But it only works when I open myself up to them, and they open themselves up to me.

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