Confession

February 26, 2008

I would like to tell the world that I was an honorable man, and a good man.  I would like to tell them I strived hard, to make the right choices for my family, my friends, those I loved, and for myself.  I would like to tell the world that I succeeded, that I struggled against demons and fought but won the many battles.

I would like to tell the world these things, but they would be untrue.

I usually succumb to the demons, to the vices, to the offerings handed me.

Maybe I can say I was a good man, once.  That ‘once’ says so many things, and yet leaves so many other things unwritten and unsaid.  Those are the painful things that make me wonder why.

When I look in the mirror these days I see a man who has aged in the past few months.  Maybe I’ve just noticed it, and I’ve looked this way for a long time.  My eyes, always darkened with circles, have even deeper and darker circles now.  I just look tired, and I am.

When is the last time I genuinely laughed so hard I couldn’t stop?

Why do I make kayleigh cry?

I mean, I know why she cries.  But I wonder why I make her cry, when I love her as deeply as I do?  What have I done to her?  To us?

I’m not abusive, or intentionally cruel.  I don’t even think I’m mean-spirited.  I’m not an alcoholic.  I’m not mentally ill.

I try.

I like to look at stars at night and pretend I am out there, somewhere, just like I used to when I was 10 years old.

Yet here I am.

And there she is.

And here we are.

I can close my eyes and I see the brightest star I’ve ever known.

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