Holding pattern….

May 4, 2005

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. The trip to Chicago was a much needed release, and time spent with kayleigh was needed even more. But besides the melancholy aspect of the return to reality and work is the additional melancholy, the reminder that too many years have passed without my using them properly, without the completion of ideas and projects I had planned, without a certain amount of fulfillment.

I had a birthday Monday. It underscored the holding pattern that my life has been in for some time now. Logically I know this is untrue but it's hard not to think so when one is looking at the things one has not done. It's no coincidence that the SFWA gathering caused me to dwell on what I had wanted and what I let go without hardly a struggle, and yet continue to dangle in front of me as an incomplete wish. The gathering was both a pleasure and self-inflicted pain.

We arrive at certain places in our life and wonder how we got there, and receive certain things and wonder what we did to deserve such happiness, or such tragedy.

The truth of the matter is that we're just here for the ride on a mysterious, spinning planet, and for some fucked up reason a good many of us have the sense and desire to make a contribution that's remembered.

Maybe it takes more sense to let a good amount of it go.

Which doesn't explain my lack of sense, but may explain why I can't let go.

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